Thick-Skinned
by LadyEpic101
Summary: Ume Tamaishi is the most oblivious kunoichi in all of Takigakure. One day, a simple border patrol mission goes horribly wrong when the Zombie Combo happens to be searching for the steel-skinned ninja. She joins them for a series of assassinations, a wedding, and some good old fashioned bounty hunting. Meanwhile, she manages to steal a heart, or five. (KakuzuxOC)
1. Chapter 1

"Sensei, do we really have to go on such a boring mission?" Momoko Himura complained, flopping down onto the lush green grass.

"You should be grateful for the exercise, Momo!" Yori laughed, sitting down next to his raven-haired teammate.

"That's enough out of both of you. Border patrol is an important part of protecting the village," Makoto hummed, eyes closed. She wore the traditional sky blue Takigakure flak jacket.

"Oh come on Makoto Sensei! I really don't want to go on another mission held back by _her,_ " Yori droned.

"Hi guys, did I miss anything?" Momoko and Yuri groaned, looking over at their plum-haired companion.

Ume Tamaishi was undeniably the most oblivious kunoichi in all of Takigakure.

"Yes, you did Ume. We are going on border patrol today, especially around the northern quadrant. Suspicious men have been reported snooping around that area," Mokoto stood, turning to face the rising sun.

"Alright, team, let's move out!"

* * *

"Kakuzu, remind me _why _exactly we're here again?" Hidan drawled, walking a few paces behind his partner.

"We're after a kunoichi named Ume Tamaishi. Leader wants us to retrieve her in one piece," Kakuzu emphasized the last words by glaring back at his partner.

"Yeah, but _why?_"

"The Tamaishi clan has a unique kekkei genkai that appears once in a generation. It's known as Hagane Kawa. Steel skin. Apparently Leader thinks that it might be useful in the future,"

"Old man, you're from the Hidden Waterfall Village too, right?"

"Yes. Why?" Kakuzu's voice lowered to a growl.

"Just wondering if you banged her great-great grandmother or something. Might be why Leader sent us on this mission instead of Zetsu or Itachi and Kisa-" Kakuzu's fist connected with Hidan's jaw sharply, sending the younger immortal flying into a tree.

"Let's continue this conversation never," Kakuzu growled, turning back to the road.

* * *

"So, strange men spotted at the north border. Any... meaningful description of them at all?" Momoko questioned as they hopped from tree branch to tree branch.

"Well, they're wearing black cloaks with red clouds on them. That's all we've got to go on," Makoto replied thoughtfully.

"They're probably just tourists. I'm sure they don't pose any threat!" Ume added cheerfully.

Completely oblivious to the fact that her teammates were no longer behind her, she hopped forward onto another branch before hearing a whistling sound. She turned around to see a strange, red, triple bladed scythe on a rope headed straight for her. She raised her arms to block the coming blades.

The largest blade met her skin and bounced off with a spark.

"Well, I see that the 'steel skin' moniker isn't that far off,"

Confused, Ume looked down at the source of the voice. A rather attractive man with slicked back silver hair and magenta eyes stared up at her, wearing a black cloak with red clouds unzipped down to his ribs. Something grabbed her ankle and pulled her off of her roost, slamming her into the ground.

"Ume!" Yori shouted.

"Hmm," Kakuzu hummed thoughtfully, watching the Tamaishi girl sit up from the sizable crater. His hand zipped back into place, black threads stitching to his arm.

"Hidan, kill the others. They're of no use to us," Kakuzu called to his partner.

"No you don't you bastard!" Kakuzu barely had time to harden his arm and block the incoming blow. He caught Ume's fist, feeling a powerful shockwave travel up his arm.

Ume glared up at the strange man, white-blue eyes blazing and curly purple hair flying out behind her. She threw another punch at him, and he caught it with his other fist. Kakuzu head-butted her with his forehead protector, causing a dull metallic sound. The attack stunned her for a split second, before she retaliated with a vicious headbutt of her own, knocking him away.

"Brat!" Kakuzu reached up to feel his forehead protector. It was dented. Growling, he ripped his head cover off.

Ume didn't know what she expected him to look like. But she certainly didn't expect him to be handsome save for the stitches extending from his mouth, ending somewhere concealed by thick dark brown bangs. His green and red eyes glared at her white-blue ones. If she wanted a fight, she would get one. He unzipped his cloak and threw it to the side, revealing even more stitches along his arms and a black tank top.

"Hidan, leave the Tamaishi brat to me. You can take care of the others," Kakuzu cracked his knuckles.

"Huh, fancy that, fighting someone without a bounty on their heads. Sure, old man! Just remember that we need her alive," Hidan yelled at his partner.

Kakuzu charged Ume at an incredible speed. She didn't have time to react as he elbowed her in the chest, knocking the wind out of her and sending her flying into a tree. Ume tried to stand, but Kakuzu kneed her in the back, crushing her into the ground. He stood up and kicked her in the side hard enough to roll her over. He stood over her, arm raised to deliver another blow.

"No! Please, stop!" Ume raised her hand in front of her to ward off the oncoming blow, staring at the monster of a man before her in fear. Her vision was starting to fade; she could feel blood pooling in her mouth.

Kakuzu stared at her. Her expression jogged a memory he thought he had forgotten.

* * *

_"Kakuzu! Help!" Haruto Tamaishi yelped. Kakuzu could only watch as his teammate and closest friend was crushed by a wooden vise. _

_"Haruto!" _

_"AAAAGGH!"_

_A sickening squelch was all that was heard as blood geysered out of Haruto's mouth._

* * *

He shook his head, snapping back to the present. The brat had passed out. A glance told him that Hidan was still busy with the last gennin of the squad. Kakuzu sighed and knelt beside the unconscious girl. He placed his hand on her stomach, over her teal half shirt and the fishnet underneath. He used his chakra to search her body for any internal damage. He found nothing that wouldn't heal on its own. He left the unconscious ninja to her own devices as he retrieved his cloak and mask. With a display of strength, he manged to pop the dent out of his forehead protector, returning it to its original state. Once he was dressed in his concealing outerwear again, he trudged back to the Tamaishi brat and hauled her over his shoulder. He was joined by a freshly revived Hidan, and they began the journey back to the hideout.

* * *

**AN: I have no business starting a new story. BUT IMMA DO IT ANYWAY!**


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Ume noticed as she woke up was that she was bouncing uncomfortably against a hard shoulder. The second thing she noticed was that she had a pounding headache. She opened her eyes, then snapped them shut, groaning in protest at the harsh light.

"Hey, Kakuzu, look! She's awake," A particularly loud and annoying voice rang in her ears.

She felt whoever was carrying her drop her on her butt rather unceremoniously. Still gripping her head, she looked up, and up, and up, until she met a familiar red and green glare. Panicking, she attempted to scramble away from the intimidating man. Before she could get to her feet, his hand shot out and wrapped around her neck, applying enough pressure to cause pain, but not enough to strangle her.

"Don't try that again, understand?" Kakuzu growled.

Ume nodded. He released her, and his hand returned to its rightful place. Kakuzu glared at her for a moment, prompting her to look at the ground next to her. She was surprised when she heard a metallic scrape and thud; a kunai landed next to her hand. She looked back at Kakuzu, who adjusted his forehead protector. Her hand flew up to her own, fingering a long scratch across the metal plate. Hidan walked around the two ex-Takigakure nin and strolled down the path. Kakuzu offered Ume his hand. She hesitated before taking it and allowing him to pull her up. He pushed her, causing her to stumble a few steps.

"Walk," He commanded.

Ume did not have the gall to disobey.

* * *

(Nightfall)

Hidan led them off the path into the forest, stopping in a clearing at the edge of a stream. He flopped down on the lush grass, weaving his fingers behind his head. Kakuzu sat cross-legged with his back against a large oak tree a few paces away and closed his eyes. Ume decided to lean against a tree on the far side of the clearing. She curled up, resting her chin on top of her knees. She nodded off now and then, waking with a jolt when an animal's cry broke the silence.

Kakuzu watched her with one eye, resting the other. He watched as she periodically relaxed, and then bolted upright at the call of a wolf. It irritated him that she was well aware of her impenetrable skin, but still feared a beast that she could easily take down with a well-aimed punch. It didn't help his mood that Hidan was snoring. He fell asleep himself for a few hours, one eye still trained on the Tamaishi girl. He awoke abruptly when he heard a twig snap from behind Ume.

"Kakuzu." Hidan said under his breath, wide awake as well.

"I know," He growled in reply.

"Hmm?" Ume rubbed her eyes sleepily.

Several things happened at once. Kunai and shuriken rained from the treetops. Ume hopped up, startled and ready to fight. Before she could so much as raise her fists, Kakuzu wrapped his arms around her waist and leaped onto a branch. He vaulted from tree to tree at a breakneck pace, but even so, they were being followed. Ume heard a sickening sound come from his chest. He let go of her with one arm and pulled down his mask. He turned around in mid-air and blew a fireball at their pursuers. They screamed, falling to the ground, writhing as they burned.

Kakuzu landed on the ground a short distance away from their corpses, setting Ume onto her own two feet.

"Who were they?" She stepped forward to get a closer look.

Kakuzu walked past her. "Takigakure ANBU from the looks of it. They must have tracked us during the night," He answered, looking at the rising sun.

"But it doesn't look like they know who they're dealing with," Kakuzu walked around the corpses and back towards the clearing.

"Coming?" He turned and looked over his shoulder.

Ume nodded and jogged to catch up. She played with the bottom of her dark blue t-shirt. She wanted to ask him something, but wasn't sure how to go about it.

"Ask your question," Kakuzu growled.

"Who exactly are you two? Where are we going? Why did you kidnap me? Are you fro-"

"My partner, Hidan, and I are part of an organization known as the Akatsuki. We're headed back to base. We kidnapped you because Leader gave us this mission. That's all I'm telling you,"

Ume looked down at the ground as she walked. He hadn't let her ask her last question. His forehead protector said that he was from the Hidden Waterfall Village, but there was a slash through it, meaning that he defected.

'I guess I have, too,' She thought as she passed her palm along the groove in her forehead protector.

The rest of the walk passed in silence, save the song of birds as they awoke. The sun sent rosy light streaming through the trees; Ume closed her eyes and appreciated the sun's warmth. It was about fifteen minutes before they reached the edge of the clearing.

'Did we really go that far last night?' It seemed impossible to Ume. Escape was seeming more and more impossible.

Her eyes widened when they fell upon the blood soaked clearing. Five corpses littered the ground, four ANBU, one Akatsuki.

"Get up," Kakuzu snarled.

"Aww, I was enjoying the sun," Hidan whined, sitting up with a pike through his chest. He pulled the weapon out and it collapsed to a fifth of its true length. He stowed it in his cloak before he noticed Ume's disbelieving gaze.

"What? Do I have something in my hair?" He slicked it back with his less bloody hand.

"No, no it's not that. Are you..." She gulped, "Are you immortal?"

"Yep. Old man is too," Hidan nodded his head at his partner.

Kakuzu looked down at Ume, expecting her to recoil in fear or disgust. His eyes met a look of sheer awe.

"Woah," Ume whispered to herself as they walked back to the road.


	3. Chapter 3

'We've been walking for _ages_,' Ume complained inwardly. Normally, she would have voiced her discomfort, but after watching Kakuzu smack Hidan into a tree for talking too much, she decided that it might be in her best interest to stay quiet.

"We're here," Kakuzu called over his shoulder.

"Home sweet home! Looks just like I left it," Hidan shouted happily.

'It's just a cliff...'

Kakuzu and Hidan formed hand seals faster than she could track. A large portion of the cliff face rolled away, revealing a dark cavern that seemed to go back for ages. Ume followed them into the depressing darkness, jumping when the massive boulder slid back into place,encasing them shadows.

Though their imprisonment was not long. rows of lights down the walls of the cave flicked on, bathing them in a dim light reminiscent of a sunset.

"You're late."

Ume jumped again.

"We were ambushed by Waterfall Village ANBU," Kakuzu explained. A silhouette of a man stepped out of the shadows, his eyes the only defined trait.

"Hm. At least you were able to retrieve the girl," The man looked down at her. She felt as though his eyes saw into her very soul.

"Was she any trouble?" He returned his attention to the Akatsuki members.

"No. She understands what we're capable of, to an extent," Kakuzu shot a glare at the oblivious girl. She smiled back at him, seeing it as a reassuring glance. He scoffed and looked back at the projection.

"Good. You have a new mission, the details are in folders in your rooms. I expect you to be on your way to your destination at daybreak. Miss Tamaishi," He addressed the girl directly.

"Your room is at the end of the hall, on the left. Someone will be by to show you the compound in an hour. Until further notice, you, Kakuzu, and Hidan will be operating as a three-man team," The hologram faded away, though his voice echoed for several more seconds.

"Who...?" Ume began.

"That was Leader. He rarely ever turns up in person. C'mon. Your room is this way," Hidan beckoned her with his hand while walking in a seemingly random direction. Ume followed, noting that Kakuzu stalked away in the opposite direction.

"This room's mine," Hidan stopped at the second to last door on the right, "And that one belongs to the old man," He gestured to the door across from Ume's room.

"Why do you keep calling him old? He can't be older than thirty," She asked. That had been weighing on her mind for most of the journey.

Hidan laughed wildly before calming down long enough to answer.

"I'll let you in on a little secret," He leaned closer to Ume, who leaned over so much that she almost fell.

"He's over eighty!"

Ume placed a hand on her chest and leaned back, her face stuck in a shocked expression.

"No way! He looks so young!"

"It's true. I'm old enough to be your great-grandfather," Kakuzu interjected, sauntering to his room. He paused in the door way.

"Oh, and I'll take that last part as a compliment." He closed the door behind him. Hidan burst into wild laughter yet again.

"What's so funny?" Ume crossed her arms and stamped her foot.

"Oh, nothing, nothing. Just that, well," Hidan was overtaken by another fit of giggles, "I think the miser's got a thing for you," He burst into laughter again.

Ume shook her head and laughed along with him.

"No way!" She cried, "You heard him. _He _even thinks he's too old for me," Ume turned the knob on her door, waving goodbye to the hysterical psychopath.

As soon as her door was shut, she stopped laughing and leaned against the sturdy wood, sighing. Ume scanned her new room.

It was more spacious than her one at home. The walls, floor, and ceiling were all stone. There was a simple, wooden twin bed pushed against the far corner, alongside a lamp atop a nightstand. There was a yellow folder sitting on the bed's plain gray blanket, but Ume ignored it. Instead, she walked over to a large wardrobe next to a door that she assumed lead to a bathroom. Flinging open the thin wooden doors, she was delighted to find clothes in her size, including pieces of armor and fish net, but disappointed that she didn't get a cloak.

Feeling defeated, Ume stalked over to her new bed and flopped down, instantly regretting that decision. The mattress was stiff and uncomfortable, but at least the blanket was soft. She kicked off her shoes and sat criss- cross, pulling out the contents of the yellow folder.

The first thing she noticed was a picture of a girl who looked almost exactly like her. Same wide, white-blue eyes. Same purple, curly hair. There were only negligible differences: the girl's eyes were more droopy than Ume's, and her face was less round. Her nose was daintier as well. Ume began to actually read through the papers included.

She learned a few things that both excited her and filled her with a sense of dread.

1. The girl's name was Kiku Nakono, and she was betrothed to the son of a wealthy lord.

2. The wedding was in three days.

3. Her mission was to pose as this woman and assassinate her fiancee.

Ume felt like she was going to cry. She knew that being a ninja meant that she would have to kill people, but the thought just unleashed the floodgates of everything that had happened to her in the last 72 hours. Her sensei and teammates were dead. It was unlikely that she'd ever see her village, let alone her family or friends, ever again.

"Why me?" She asked no one in particular.

There were three short knocks at her door.

Wiping her eyes quickly to make sure there were no tears, she placed the papers to her side.

"Come in," She called out.

The door opened to reveal a tall, pale, and handsome man. His eyes were those of a viper, framed by strands of long, inky black hair. Purple markings that started on his eyelids ended in points one either side of his nose.

'Does the Akatsuki consist entirely of handsome men?'

"You are Ume Tamaishi, I presume?" The snake-like man stated more than asked.

"Yes, that's me," She confirmed.

The man smiled, squeezing his eyes shut.

"I'm Orochimaru. Leader told me that I am to show you around. Come along," He turned and walked out into the hall.

Ume slipped back into her shoes and followed him. As they passed each room, he told her their inhabitants.

On the left, it was her room, then one belonging to a man named Zetsu, then his partner Sasori's, then his room. The right followed a similar pattern: Kakuzu's room, Hidan's room, an empty room, and a room belonging to someone name Kisame. Orochimaru led her through the base, showing her every alternate exit and entrance - some were only one or the other- and then to a surprisingly well stocked kitchen and dining area.

A blue-skinned, fishlike man sat at the table, drinking a cup of tea.

'Well, that answers my question.'

"Kisame, this is Ume Tamaishi. She'll be joining Kakuzu and Hidan on a few missions," Orochimaru explained at Kisame's suspicious glance.

"A new member of the Zombie Combo, eh?" He chuckled, then added swiftly, noting her suddenly pale complexion, "I'm sure you'll be fine, just try not to piss 'em off."

The pale man led her back to her room. She walked in, expecting him to say goodbye and be on his way. Instead, he followed her into the room, closing the door behind him and leaning against it.

"What do you want?" Ume asked when she realized he was in the room.

"No need to be so hostile," He chided, amused, "I'm just curious. Why does Leader want someone as inexperienced as you in our ranks? The only reason I can think of is that you possess some sort of special ability," He paused, waiting for her explanation.

"Yes, if you must know I do have the Hagane Kawa kekkai genkai," Ume didn't trust him, no matter how charismatic he was.

In a flash he had her pinned to her bed. He grinned maliciously down at her. She struggled against him but she could not push him off. He held down one wrist with each hand; her pitiful struggles amused him.

"Steel skin, hmm? Let's test that, shall we?" He lowered his head to her neck, brushing his lips against her neck. In any other situation, she would have swooned and been an absolute puddle at his touch. He opened his mouth and set his teeth against her skin, biting lightly. He bit down harder and harder until he was exerting enough force to break bones. He closed his mouth and lifted his head, grinning sadistically at the uncomfortable kunoichi.

"Consider yourself lucky, Ume. My bite is venomous," He hissed. In the blink of an eye he was out of her room.

"Why didn't he just try to stab me like a normal person?" Ume mumbled, rubbing her eyes with her hands.

* * *

**AN: So the bit with Oro was mostly fanservice for myself, but I can see him acting that way. He probably wanted to place a curse seal on her, but he needed to be able to pierce her skin in order to do so. Also, if you haven't caught on yet, this story takes place before the events of Naruto and before Itachi joined the Akatsuki.**


	4. Chapter 4

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SHAMELESS COMEDIC RELIEF. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. ALSO EVERYBODY THANK RAPPY YO YO FOR INSPIRING ME TO UPDATE EARLY. DO IT.

* * *

Kakuzu sighed. Like usual, he was the first one awake. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, clearing them of last night's sleep. He was not looking forward to his mission today. He was to pose as Ume's bodyguard alongside Hidan, all while planning on how to slaughter all the guests. That part would be easy. The part that bothered him was Ume.

Every time he looked at her, he was reminded of his past as a Waterfall nin. He wasn't sorry for what he did, but it wasn't something he liked to think about. He shook his head. No, he needed to focus on the mission and not screwing it up. Closing his eyes, Kakuzu quickly made the seals for dog, boar, and ram.

"Transformation Jutsu!"

* * *

"Rise and shine, bitch!" Hidan shouted, yanking the covers off Ume. Somehow, she managed to keep hold on the edge of the blanket, fall to the floor, wrap herself back up, and roll under the bed.

"Hey, c'mon! Breakfast is gettin' cold!"

Ume shot up, hitting her head on the bottom of the bed. She groaned as she rolled out from underneath. Hidan laughed wildly.

"Hurry up and get dressed. Old man says we're leaving in twenty minutes," He called, walking out of her room.

The girl stood up, running her hands through her hair. There were several dresses in the wardrobe for her mission. She chose to wear a more comfortable grey one that fell to her mid thighs. It had slits up the sides to her waist, prompting her to put on a pair of tight black pants. She packed the rest of the clothes she would need into a bag, before she remembered reading that her fiancée would provide her clothes when she arrived.

* * *

Hidan and Kakuzu waited outside the hideout for Ume to join them.

"Ya know, this is the first time I've worn a shirt in a while," Hidan mused, adjusting the black tank top. He started to check the lead on his scythe for breaks.

"I don't care," Kakuzu growled. He brushed a stray lock of dark brown hair behind his ear, having discarded his hood for this mission.

"Oh gimme a break old man. Not to change the subject, but I think a certain purple haired kunoichi's got the hots for you,"

Kakuzu turned his head and looked back at Hidan. The glare that he shot over his shoulder could have melted metal.

"Shut. Up." He ground out through gritted teeth. Hidan knew his partner well enough to stop badgering him. Instead, he changed the subject.

"Well, well. Speak of the devil," The silver-haired man chuckled. Kakuzu turned around and his breath caught in his throat.

The woman standing in front of him couldn't be Ume. Her eyes were half closed, lashes accentuating her bright eyes. Her cheeks were tinged pink by blush and her lips were red.

Little did he know that he had a similar effect on her. His earlier transformation Jutsu had erased all traces of his stitches and scars.

"So," Hidan cleared his throat, "I guess we'll leave as soon as you two stop ogling each other?"

Kakuzu shot a glare at his partner.

"Our destination isn't too far away. If we take a shortcut through the forest, we should be there by nightfall," The older shinobi began to walk westward, toward a thick grove of trees. Hidan walked ahead, eager to get there. Ume began to follow, but Kakuzu stopped her. He sighed and turned away from her, crouching down.

"Climb on my back, it'll be quicker,"

Ume blushed very _very _red. Hesitantly, she obeyed, wrapping her arms around his neck. He grabbed her thighs and lifted her up, taking off for the forest. Hidan was already a ways ahead of them. Kakuzu leapt onto a large branch and hopped from tree to tree.

" 'Bout time you two showed up. I was beginning to worry," Hidan jested. Kakuzu pulled ahead, choosing not to acknowledge the Jashinist.

Ume looked back at the silver-haired man. He was smirking knowingly back at her; he raised a grey eyebrow. She stuck her tongue out at him. Resigning herself to being her fate, she placed her chin on Kakuzu's shoulder and sighed through her nose. Her warm breath brushed past his neck and ear, striking him at the base of his jaw. His shoulders tensed as her breaths continued to blow past his neck. Slowly, he relaxed his shoulders, becoming used to the sensation of warm air on his skin.

Hidan watched all of this from slightly behind. He was barely able to keep contain a fit of giggles. The urge to say, 'Looks like old man's gonna get some,' welled up in his throat, but he clenched his teeth together.

He really didn't feel like losing his head.

* * *

It was about an hour's worth of travel in when Kakuzu dropped down to the forest floor. He set Ume down and started walking. Hidan landed just behind them. Kakuzu explained that they were almost at the estate.

Ume soon grew bored with walking and stared at his back. She watched his long, dark brown hair sway slightly with each step, her eyes following its length down to his-

"Ume and Kakuzu sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N- Ow!" Hidan had whispered into Ume's ear before being punched with a steely limb. Kakuzu looked back, seeing a rather ticked off Ume and Hidan holding his nose. He ignored it and continued walking, desperately trying to push a thought to the back of his mind.

Ume was rather attractive when she was angry.

* * *

Ten minutes of walking later, they arrived at a massive wrought iron gate set into a stone wall.

"Who goes there?" A guard demanded.

"Kiku Nakono and her bodyguards," Hidan shouted up at him.

"Enter!"

There was a long, winding road up to the mansion. Hidan walked past Ume once they reached the doors. The two bodyguards each pushed one of the lavish wooden doors open, revealing an interior bedecked in gold and silver and frivolous ribbons.

"KIIIIIKUUUUU!"

"What the..." Was all Ume could manage before a skinny, long-haired man launched himself at her.

Just as she braced herself for the inevitable embrace, a brown blur passed in front of her, before a large crash caused cloud of dust to obscure her vision. She coughed lightly, waiting for it to clear. When the dust settled, she saw Kakuzu in front of her, standing in an open stance with his elbow out to the side. Looking in the direction of the crash, she saw a pretty man in tight white clothing that left _nothing _to the imagination laying in the wreckage of a mahogany desk.

"My apologies, force of habit you know," Kakuzu explained, standing upright and crossing his arms. He looked at Hidan, who was watching him with a shit-eating grin.

"What?" He whispered.

"Oh, nothing," Was the response.

"Ah Y-yes, haha, it's quite alright! I'll only have the best men protecting my darling Kiku!" The pretty man stood, dusting himself off. He bowed low and extravagantly. A crowd of dancers and performers suddenly appeared, twirling around through the foyer.

"I!" The pretty man shouted, him and every performer striking a pose with each word.

"Am!"

"Shou! Saburo! Noburu! Ryouta!" He finished in an admittedly lovely arabesque pose.

The three shinobi gave him a deadpan expression as a breeze from nowhere blew past.

"Well! I must be on my way you know, preparations and all that. Why don't you and your guards take a walk in the garden in the meantime, hmm?" And with that, Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta pranced off, but not before pointing the very confused nin in the direction of the garden.

* * *

"So," Hidan asked, arms behind his head as they walked through the beautiful garden, "What do you think of your fiancee?"

"He's... pretty?" Ume answered, recalling his long, sparkly blonde hair and girlish figure. A little voice in her head reminded her that Kakuzu also had long hair. She quieted it by asserting that he made it look manly and attractive.

"He's wasteful," Kakuzu snarled.

Hidan began to retort that he was just jealous when he heard a tell-tale whistle.

"Look out!" Kakuzu barked, grabbing Ume and taking cover behind a tree. Hidan pulled out his scythe and twirled it, deflecting several kunai and shuriken.

Ume's breaths came in ragged gasps.

"Are you alright?"

She looked up at the sound of Kakuzu's rough voice, realizing that she was pressed against him, chest to chest. She tried to form a response, though his piercing eyes made it difficult to think. He tilted his head, and so did she. His eyes were half closed with desire. He looked at her lips and leaned down slowly. She closed her eyes in anticipation. They were a handbreadth away, then an inch, then just a hair.

An explosion interrupted them. Ume pulled away, looking over at a panting Hidan. She ran to him, unaware of a salacious gaze following her.

* * *

"Your men failed!" Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta slammed his hands on the beechwood desk.

"Relax, Mister Ryouta," A raspy, high-pitched voice soothed, "We'll get her. My men are simply the best!" The speaker leaned forward, revealing himself to be a pink-skinned man. He batted his long eyelashes, which obscured green eyes. He flicked his ponytail over his shoulder as he discussed the best way to kill Kiku Nakono.

* * *

"Oh my goodness, did you see that?" A perky, red-headed maid whispered to her bespectacled friend.

"No, what happened?" She replied.

The red-headed maid pulled her into a supply closet and started to elaborate.

"Mistress Kiku was walking in the garden when suddenly her bodyguard yanked her aside and nearly kissed her! Oh, can you imagine his pain?" She clasped her hands and closed her eyes, smiling warmly, "Having spent years protecting this woman, he fell in love. When she returned his feelings, his warm strong arms wrapped around her, drawing her to his chest. He leaned down to feel her soft lips against his own, yet fate would not let it be. And now she'll be torn away from him, leaving him an empty husk of a man!"

Her near-sighted friend stared at her intensely, hanging onto every descriptive word even as blood flowed out of her nose.

"What a lucky woman," She began, holding a cloth to her nose, "To have such a muscular man protecting her, not to mention his gorgeous, flowing, ash brown locks,"

"Speak for yourself! Her other bodyguard is the pinnacle of a man! Did you see how masterfully he protected his mistress with his scythe? And his hair silvery hair and purple eyes! Oh my, I've got a nosebleed!" The red-headed maid exclaimed.

"Wanna borrow my handkerchief, Sumiko?"

* * *

(Night)

Kakuzu and Hidan had been given the room across from Ume's. The older Akatsuki laid down facing the wall, unable to get today's events out of his head. He had almost kissed her. Why? What possessed him to do that? What if someone had seen? Their cover would be blown! But, he realized, he didn't regret it. The memory of how she leaned into him and closed her eyes, waiting for him.

"So. You and Ume, huh?"

"One more word and I'll rip out your tongue."

* * *

**AN: Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta.**

**The next chapter or two is going to be more shameless romantic comedic relief, as well as some KakuzUme moments mixed in.**


	5. Chapter 5

Steam filled the spacious bathroom. Ume tugged her dark red nightgown over her head, breathing deeply in the humid air. She dropped the cloth on the tile floor next to the enormous, pool-like bath set into the ground. The scent of cinnamon and other spices she could not name wafted over her as she descended into the water, sighing as the warmth spread throughout her tired muscles. The bath was only so deep that the water stopped just above her breasts.

Ume turned sharply, purple curls fanning out to rest on her shoulders. She swore she heard someone breathing. Her eyes scanned the dense steam, but she couldn't see more than three feet in front of her. Somehow, she managed to convince herself that it was all in her imagination. At least, until she turned around and was met with a tan, very well-sculpted chest. She looked up, already knowing that her eyes would meet red and green. Stitching along the left side of his chest and over his shoulder caught her eye for a moment, long enough for him to roughly push her under the water. It felt like she was falling through air instead of-

**THUD.**

"Wake up," a gruff voice ordered.

Ume groaned, rubbing the back of her head. She glared up at Kakuzu, only to be met by a smug smirk.

"Why am I on the ground?" Ume wondered aloud. She noticed that he held her blanket in one hand.

"Did you..." she glared at him harder.

"Hidan suggested that this was the best way to wake you up,"

"You could have just grabbed my shoulder," she pouted.

"Yes, but that wouldn't have been as entertaining. Get dressed. You're being fitted for your wedding gown today," a hint of resentment crept into his voice as he finished his sentence. He quickly stalked out of the room, allowing Ume to change in privacy. Kakuzu joined Hidan in waiting on either side of the door, arms crossed and leaning against the wall.

Meanwhile, at the end of the hall, just around a corner, the red-headed Sumiko crouched behind a curtain along with the glasses-wearing Midori.

"Alright, we need a plan," Sumiko whispered.

"I got it!" Midori shout-whispered, "So here's how it'll happen,"

_Kiku and her bodyguards strolled leisurely down the hall, while Sumiko waited just around the corner with an incredibly tall stack of dishes. As soon as the silver-haired bodyguard stepped past her, Sumiko would pretend to trip and the tower of plates would fall forward, right onto Kiku. Then, her true love would be forced to act. He would pull her away from the imminent danger, ending up with him leaning over her, arms wrapped around her_ _waist._

"And then he kisses her, and they live happily ever after!" Midori clapped her hands and bounced on her heels.

"Alright, I think they're coming!" Sumiko slipped out from behind the curtains, carrying a stack of plates almost as tall as her.

Unfortunately for her, she tripped on the uneven corner of a rug just as Hidan stepped into the corridor. The red-head fell forward, plates flying through the air. Everything moved in slow motion. She'd failed, and now Mistress Kiku would never find love.

Sumiko's tumble halted abruptly when she fell into someone's chest. She looked up at the man, only to find that it was the silver-haired bodyguard! She watched in awe as he deftly caught the fallen tableware with one hand.

"Hey, are you alright?"

Sumiko was abruptly pulled out of her reverie. Her green eyes glittered as she stared, slack-jawed, at his magenta ones.

"..Okay," Hidan drawled, setting the maid back on her feet. He handed the stack of plates back to her and turned away to catch up with his partners.

"Fuckin' weirdo," he muttered when he felt a green-eyed gaze fixed on his back.

Hidan took the lead again and the trio headed down to the first floor, where Shou Saburo Noburu Ryouta shouted orders at haggard servants.

"No, to the left a little. My left you idiot! Hmm, no, up. Right just a little bit- that's too much. You know what? I liked it better where it was,"

Ume cleared her throat. Kakuzu and Hidan stood on either side of her, watching the maids and butlers run around disinterestedly.

"My beautiful blushing bride! Benevolent of you to grace me with your presence!" He bowed low, causing his sparkling, wavy blond locks to cascade over his shoulders like a golden waterfall.

"Oh, um, yes, of course," Ume stammered. She was supposed to 'marry' this?

"Ah, look, the tailor arrives! Well, I'll leave you girls to it!" He pirouetted away, into some random hallway.

The seamstress, a hunched over, elderly woman who had to have been older than Kakuzu, grabbed Ume's hand and tugged her into a spacious room, correcting her posture and anything she could think of. The old woman shut the door, locking Kakuzu and Hidan out.

"Well, that was rude," Hidan complained, rubbing his nose where the door hit him.

"Hmph. That's not our biggest concern. We have followers," Kakuzu replied in a hushed tone.

"The maids? I know. They've been stalking us since last night," Hidan glanced to his left at the red ponytail poking out around the corner.

"I don't mean them," Kakuzu looked out the window in the hallway to his right. A mercenary in a bird mask crouched, hidden, in a tree, not daring to move while someone was looking in his direction.

"Him? He's the one who attacked us in the garden yesterday. He's been tailing us from outside, trying to get a clear shot."

Their murmured conversation ended, each man carefully watching opposite sides.

* * *

"It's reaaaaaaaaly tii-IGHT!" Ume gasped. Even so, the seamstress tightened the laces.

"Oh my, she looks absolutely gorgeous!" One of the assistants present shouted, clasping her hands.

"Can we try, something a bit, less tight?" Ume panted.

"Fine. You there! Grab the one over on that shelf!"

Ume squeezed into several dresses, some too gaudy, others too sparkly, and one in particular showed too much cleavage.

"It's perfect!" The seamstress cried in her first good mood of the day.

The dress had an empire waist line, flowing richly from underneath her bust to the ground. Intricate embroidery wove around her bust, adding a shimmering silver to the mix.

"Yeah! And it covers that baby fat!"

Ume subconsciously placed her hand on her stomach. 'I'm not fat,' she thought.

* * *

(Early Next Morning)

Kakuzu stared at the ceiling, hands clasped behind his head. He was alone in the room; Hidan was outside, seeing if he could catch the mercenary. The sound of birds outside alerted him that the sun was up or was about to be up. Today was the last day before the wedding. Some part of that thought prevented him from sleeping. Not that it affected him in the least, for he had trained himself to go long stretches of time on minimal amounts of rest. The glittery pretty boy who Ume was to 'marry' kept popping into his mind. He growled at the thought of ripping Shou's intestines out through his mouth. Something about the guy rubbed him the wrong way. He was certain that it wasn't the fact that the blond would get the chance to kiss Ume before he did.

_CRASH!_

Kakuzu bolted upright. That sounded like it came from Ume's room. He sprinted out of the room and shouldered open her door. The mercenary in the bird mask had Ume's arms pinned under his knees and was driving a kunai towards her face. Time slowed down. Even with his incredible speed, Kakuzu wouldn't make it in time. The tip of the knife was already burrowed into her eye when he knocked her attacker away. The mercenary hit his head on the wall and was out cold.

People ran into the room, Hidan and Shou among them.

"What's going on?!" Shou yelled. One look at his fiancée's blood spilling out between her fingers and the kunai lodged between them and he fainted.

"Kiku, look at me,"

It took Ume a moment to realize that Kakuzu was talking to her. She looked up at him with her one good eye. Tears of pain flowed out of it, while tears of blood flowed out of the other. The resident medical-nin rushed into the room and nearly pushed Kakuzu out of the way. The small, kindly old man spread out his tools beside him and gently pried the kunai out of Ume's eyesocket. Kakuzu hovered over him, concern in his eyes, but not on his face.

* * *

It was noon by the time the doctor was finished checking and bandaging the injured woman. Kakuzu, Hidan, and Shou were all in the dining room. Shou sat at the table with his head in his hands, in mock-fear for his fiancée's life.

"Her eye's damaged beyond repair. She'll live, but I'd feel better if the wedding was postponed so that I could take her to a hospital and run more tests,"

"No,"

All four men looked at the voice. Ume stood in the doorway, bandages wrapped around her head.

"No, I won't let this ruin my wedding, _our_ wedding, right, Shou?" She pleaded earnestly.

"Of course not, my love, this is only a bump in the road," he walked over to her and embraced her. She leaned her head into his chest and sighed happily.

Kakuzu glared hotly at them. He knew that it was all fake, all a lie, but his blood still boiled when that man touched Ume.

_His _Ume.

* * *

**AN: The Hagane Kawa has _one_ weak point.**


	6. Chapter 6

Today was the day.

Ume spent all of the morning allowing a gaggle of women to ready her for the wedding. First they bathed her and scrubbed her clean with fragrant soaps. They washed her hair, fingers digging into her scalp, and dried it, careful to avoid her bandages. Somehow, they managed to wrap her hair into an elegant bun; the bandages would be covered by her veil. With the assistance of the women, she was smushed into her wedding gown. All the while the women snickered and joked with her, giving her pointers on how to please her husband during the honeymoon. Ume's cheeks and ears turned brighter and brighter red with each suggestion. Despite their constant referring to him, Ume was not imagining being with Shou. She blushed even deeper when she caught herself imagining baing in a compromising position with another long-haired man.

* * *

Kakuzu and Hidan stood on the edges of the room where the wedding was to take place. All of the guests were already seated. Shou joked with the holy man, playing nervous. Music started up as the intricate wooden doors on the far side of the room opened up. The first bridesmaid and groomsman walked out, arm in arm, separating when they reached the groom. Three more sets of bridesmaids and groomsmen entered in a similar fashion, dressed in simple crimson dresses and suits with crimson ties.

Finally, the music changed. Kakuzu looked up out of curiosity, and when he did, his breath caught in his throat. His hearts beat faster and harder than they ever had in his long life. Despite his dislike of clichés, he felt what could only be described as butterflies in his stomach. She was beautiful.

She glided slowly towards the front of the room. The guests stood and watched in awe as she passed. Her eye was accentuated by simple black eyeliner that continued past the edge of her eyelid and dark grey eyeshadow, making her iris a ghostly white. A soft, lace veil covered the injured side of her face and her hair, leaving only one loose curl to frame the side of her face. She glanced at him for only a second, but in that second passed an hour. She smiled softly as she looked away, leaving him wanting her more than ever. He watched her chest gently rise and fall with each breath, and, though he might have imagined it, the scent of vanilla drifted on the air. As she passed him, he admired her figure, noting absently that she carried a bouquet of eight red roses.

And he knew that hidden among them was a kunai.

She turned her back to him when she reached her groom. Even the foppish Shou was enthralled by her looks, forgetting the dowry he would receive on her death for only a moment. As the holy man began his speech, the nearly married couple gazed lovingly at each other. Shou's watery blue eyes glittered with a mask of tears. He had always been sentimental. He smiled, flashing his sparkling white teeth. She smiled back, looking down in shyness, then up in love.

"You may kiss the bride!"

'No,'

The bride and groom leaned forward.

'_No,'_

They were only an inch apart. Shou lifted his hands to cup his bride's face. The distinct slide of metal whispered through the tense atmosphere.

'NO,' the edges of Kakuzu's vision went red.

Blood arced across the front row and spattered the top of Ume's white wedding dress. Someone screamed. Shou coughed, blood spattering his murderer's veil. He searched her face, but only saw the same loving expression. Now he saw it was a mask. Hatred hid behind her eyes. He collapsed and sputtered on the floor, trying to crawl away. The holy man tried to grab her, but he wasn't fast enough. A mass of threads shot out and wrapped around his head, crushing it and spattering the bride with even more red.

By now, people were starting to realize that they were in danger. Most of them tried for the doors, only for a wall of metal to rise in front of it. Kakuzu glanced over at Ume, whose hands were clasped in the serpent seal. He looked over at Hidan, who was toying with a man who had tried to punch him.

A shuriken flew by Kakuzu's face, bringing him back into the fray. Evidently, several mercenaries were hidden among the guests. Three went after Kakuzu, only to be completely outclassed by his taijutsu. Two others went after Hidan, but he would win. Five attacked Ume.

Two attempted a low-level fireball jutsu, attacking her from opposite sides.

"Steel style: Steel Barrier Jutsu!" Ume clasped her hands together once again, forming two wide steel walls on either side of her. The flame from the mercenaries' attacks began to heat the walls to the melting point. Sensing this, Ume slammed both of her hands outwards. The barriers crushed the mercenaries into the walls, scorching the paint.

When she looked at the remaining attackers, she realized that two had gone off to fight her partners, leaving the scrawniest one to her. Shaking, the mercenary threw a shuriken at her. With great difficulty, Ume pulled her chakra away from her hand and lifted it to block the weapon. The throwing star embedded itself in her skin, drawing blood. The mercenary watched in confusion as she ripped the weapon out of her hand, blood following its path. As each crimson drop met air, it transformed into steel, leaving Ume with a two foot katana-like blade with a shuriken in its cross guard. The mercenary ran at her, forming hand seals. He paused in the middle of transitioning from dog to dragon, and she slashed his stomach open, spilling his innards on the floor.

The steel wall in front of the door lowered, along with the two crushing the mercenaries. Kakuzu had dispatched the guests, while Hidan was still toying with the last remaining mercenary.

The doors creaked open. A maid with cranberry red hair and one with oversized glasses stepped into the room.

Sumiko stared in horror at the room. Corpses littered the room, killed in all manner of grisly ways: decapitation, evisceration, crushing, ones with severed limbs, and even a few cut completely in half. Her eyes first travelled to the silver-haired bodyguard dueling with a strange man, though the bodyguard shouldn't have even been alive. Swords and throwing stars stuck out of his body like piercings. She looked at the other guard. His skin was marred by hideous stitching. Black tendrils waved in the air, extending mostly from his arms. The worst ones were on his face. The stitches were twice the size of the others, and the threads were coming out of his mouth, waving dangerously in the air. Finally she looked to Mistress Kiku. Her dress was white no longer. Blood soaked every inch of the gown, turning it into a grisly painting. Then, it dawned on her.

She should be running.

The maids attempted to escape. Kakuzu's arm shot out and grabbed the red-head by the neck before dragging her back to him. Ume slammed her hands into the ground, summoning three massive spikes that pierced the other's thigh, stomach, and skull. The mercenary attempted to flee with Hidan following him into the halls.

Kakuzu regarded the kicking and attempting to scream girl he held in the air. He looked at her vivid green eyes, and an idea came to mind.

"Ume," Kakuzu caught her attention, "Take off those bandages,"

Confused, she obeyed, revealing a closed eyelid that drooped oddly. The red-haired maid was bound in thread as Kakuzu forced her to kneel. He and Ume followed suit. Carefully, precisely, Kakuzu removed the maid's eye with threads from his arm. It took a minute, but he was able to extract it intact. He released his hold on the maid, who was now dead from him stabbing through part of her brain. Threads still grasping the eye, he moved so that he was kneeling directly in front of Ume. Gently, Kakuzu pried the empty eyelids apart and the threads slid the eye into place. Ume clenched her hands.

"There,"

She opened her eyes. Kakuzu gazed at her the same way he had in the garden, the same way he had when he first saw her in her dress. He looked as if he were about to say something, but she didn't give him that chance. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. He was surprised for a half-second before he returned it more forcefully. One hand slid under her veil and hair to the back of her neck, pressing her into the kiss. The other wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer. He did not let her go until she needed air, and then he only let her back a few inches.

"Thank you," She panted. He pulled her back in for a shorter time before letting her go.

Ume looked down at her ruined gown and laughed nervously.

"I look like a mess," her grin widened.

"Actually," Kakuzu countered, "It's kind of hot," he stated matter-of-factly.

"Well then I'll be sure to wear bloody wedding gowns more often,"

Kakuzu chuckled before standing and helping her up. He wrapped his arm around her waist as they strolled into the hall, following the trail of blood and broken things to Hidan lying down with a spike through his chest.

"Get up," Kakuzu let go of Ume and strode forward. Hidan looked up at him angrily, then lifted his neck so he could look at an upside down Ume.

"Wait a minute," Hidan drawled suspiciously, "Something happened between you two,"

He glanced between his partners before breaking out into a grin.

"I was right wasn't I?"

"Shut up, Hidan." The others chorused.

* * *

**AN: And then they lived happily ever after. The end. **

**Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya. I don't think I'm even half done with this story.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Things get a bit steamy in here. I'll warn you.**

* * *

Hidan spent the rest of the afternoon clearing out the guards around the wall. He had managed to find clothes for Ume in the barracks, which she gladly accepted. The dress was really hard to move around in. She left to find Kakuzu, but not before he teased her about, in his words, "Shacking up with an old geezer." He was punched through a wall. Ume finally found Kakuzu in Shou's study.

"Whatcha doin'?" Ume questioned. Kakuzu looked over his shoulder. He was crouching in front of a large metal safe.

"Trying to open this safe. It's taking longer than I anticipated," He growled distractedly. Ume had learned that he wasn't growling because he was angry. It was just his default tone of voice.

"Here, let me try,"

Grudgingly, Kakuzu backed up to allow her room to work. Ume bit her thumb, drawing blood. She pressed the wound into the emergency keyhole on the safe, turned her hand, and pulled open the door. She grinned up at Kakuzu like a child. He placed a hand on the back of her neck and brushed his lips against hers.

"Thank _you_," he whispered into her ear. An involuntary shiver ran down her spine. He trailed kisses down along her neck to her collar bone, sliding his hands under her shirt. She let out a small sound when he focused on the crook of her neck. He pushed the back of her shirt up as high as it would go and then ran his hands down her spine, eliciting more whines and sounds from her. He laughed softly against her skin, continuing to tease her.

In retaliation, she slid her hand down his chest, marveling inwardly at his muscles. Her hands stopped at his waistband and slipped over his hipbones, causing a groan to escape him. She ran her hands back up his chest and around his neck, tangling them in his hair. He pulled away from her neck and looked at her mismatched eyes. The intensity of his gaze intimidated her. He roughly pulled her into a kiss and pulled her onto his lap, so that her legs were around his back. With surprising ease, he lifted her from the ground and set her on the desk, knocking several things out of the way. He forced his tongue past her teeth and tangled with her in a fight for dominance. She was winning until something else slipped into her mouth. From the texture, she realized that it was thread. It was an odd, but not entirely unpleasant sensation. His hands moved down from her waist to her bottom, then to the tops of her thighs.

A whistle pierced the moment.

Ume whipped around as black threads retreated into Kakuzu's mouth. Hidan leaned on the doorway with his biggest shit-eating grin.

"Oh, no, don't let me stop you. You two looked like you were enjoying yourselves," Hidan laughed.

"How, how long were you standing there?" Ume asked suspiciously, sliding off of the desk.

"Long enough. But seriously, the old man, really?" He asked in mock-offense, "I'm literally fifteen times closer to your age!"

"Is that a hint of jealousy I detect? I thought envy was a sin," Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.

Hidan looked as though he were about to retort before his expression changed, and he made to leave the room.

"Be right back, I've gotta make some more sacrifices. Have fun, you two," Hidan excused himself.

"Now where were we?" Kakuzu leaned down to kiss Ume again, but she placed her hand to his lips.

"Sorry, moment's over," she giggled and slipped away from him.

Oh, he would make sure she paid for that later.

* * *

"Where are we going, anyway?" Ume asked. They had been walking down the road for an hour. Hidan and Kakuzu walked ahead of her, far more confident in

"There's a village a half hour away. One of the council members there has a high bounty, and we're going to collect it," Kakuzu explained. He was back in his concealing cowl and Akatsuki cloak. When she asked him earlier where he had been keeping it, he simply replied "ghost pocket" and left it at that.

"Better get used to long-ass, boring detours, Ooms. Happens a lot with the old man," Hidan all but shouted.

"Ooms? Really? My name's three letters long," she looked over at the shrugging man.

"I like giving people nick-names. Isn't that right, 'Kuzu?"

Kakuzu ignored him.

"Hey, stop ignoring me!" Hidan complained like a child.

Ume listened to their bickering, it was mostly Hidan talking his jaw off and Kakuzu ignoring him, but once in a while the older shinobi would deliver a scathing comeback.

The sky was overcast by the time the trio reached the gates of the village. Even at a glance, it was obvious that the town was a tourist trap. The strolled into the gates unopposed. The first district they walked through was the market district. Vendors shouted out their wares and delicious smells wafted out of restaurants. They continued down the road for a while. Ume was skipping happily along until Hidan and Kakuzu slowed their pace until they were even with her.

"Stay between us," Hidan murmured to her, barely moving his lips.

The girl was confused. Her skips became regular steps. She looked up at Kakuzu, watching his oddly colored eyes glance left and right. She followed his gaze and noticed that their path was taking them through a seedy part of the town where bars and gentleman's clubs lined the streets. From some of the more open pubs, men gazed wolfishly at her, eyes raking up and down her body. Most of them were sober enough to recognize that she was accompanied by two dangerous men, but not all of them.

"Heyydawlfashe," a greasy, black haired man stumbled up to Ume, "Less you 'nme getsus a drink err two, huh?" He grabbed her arm and began to drag her away, with surprising strength. He stopped in his tracks when a red blade was pressed to his throat.

"I'd let the girl go if I were you," Hidan smiled at the man, masking his killing intent.

"Betcha wood'n like if I showed 'er a good, good time, wouldya?" The man slurred defiantly.

"Oh you bet your ass I wouldn't like it. But you know, I think my partner here would like it even less,"

"Ohyeah, well whass he gonna doabou- AGH!"

Kakuzu's hand wrapped around the drunkard's forearm that held onto Ume.

"Let go of her arm or I'm taking yours," he tightened his grip, causing the man to yell out in pain once more.

"Fellas, fellas, let's not fight in front of the lady," a smooth voice cut in. Kakuzu loosened his grip enough for the drunkard to rip his arm away and hold his shaking wrist.

The man that interrupted what could have very well been a bloodbath smiled amiably. He had sky-blue hair with darker blue tips, the longest of which barely grazed his slim shoulders. He fluttered his long eyelashes at Ume, causing his light brown eyes to sparkle.

All she could think of was a cross between Shou's looks and Orochimaru's voice, but even less masculine.

"Hey, how about I buy us all a round of drinks? We can start brand new and leave this mess behind us. Whaddya say?" The Shou-clone spread his arms wide as if to embrace the night.

"No, and if I see you again, I'll break more than just his arm," Kakuzu growled and turned away, Ume and Hidan close behind them. Once they were out of eyesight, the freshly sober man turned to his taller companion.

"The fuck was their problem?" He grimaced, rubbing his wrist. He was sure something was fractured.

"That doesn't matter right now, Takuma. Did you see the bitch they had between them? Purple curls, one blue eye, one green eye? She'd go for a fortune," greed crept into his beige eyes.

"I was too busy lookin' at that big ol' ass a' hers. Lucky fuckers, bet they're havin' a turn at 'er righ' now. Should send a couple a' guys in when they're sleepin'. Drag her out when they ain't payin' attention, huh Shun?"

"No way. Didn't you get a good look at those guys she was with? They had those village headbands and they were all scratched up. Bet those two are some high-class ninjas. We just gotta get her alone. The festival's tomorrow. We'll get her then."

* * *

"One two bed room, please," Kakuzu growled at the innkeeper.

"Hmm," the wrinkled woman hummed as she pored over a list, "I'm sorry all we have is two single bed rooms," the woman folded her hands on the desk, gaudy rings clinking on her bony fingers.

"That's not what I asked for," he growled at the woman.

"Hmm," she hummed, tilting her head. The small motion caused an avalanche of skin to hang off of her cheeks and sway back and forth. Though that wasn't as bad as her neck, which seemed to contain globs of fat. Hidan almost threw up watching her move. He settled for an intense look of disgust.

Kakuzu was about to reiterate his point with a bit more _emphasis _when he felt a hand cover his. He looked down at the tired woman by his side and relented. He tossed one set of keys to Hidan and led Ume to their room. Hidan's was past theirs, at the end of the hall.

Ume walked in first, disappointed at the lackluster room. She stepped further in and flopped down on the bed, kicking her shoes off onto the floor somewhere. Kakuzu shed his robe and cowl as well, laying down beside her. They laid this way for a moment, before she stood up and trudged into the bathroom. When he heard the water turn on, he deemed it a perfect opportunity for revenge.

* * *

_**Turn back, ye of weak heart.**_

Ume stepped out of the shower, feeling clean and warm. She looked over at the empty towel rack-

Why was the towel rack empty?

Panicking, she looked at the floor, where she left her clothes earlier. They were nowhere to be found. Anger burned in her chest.

'_That DICK!'_

Gathering up her courage and dismissing any insecurities, she crossed her arms over her chest and marched into the room. Kakuzu stood at the foot of the bed, pulling his shirt over his head.

"Kakuzu!" Ume shouted just as he tossed his shirt to the floor. His muscles rippled as he rolled his shoulder. It was obvious that he was built for strength and endurance rather than for show. Even so, Ume marched right up to him and poked his chest with her index finger.

"Where the hell are my clothes?" She all but hissed at him.

"I hid them," he answered calmly.

"Well where the hell did you hide them?" His innocent tone of voice angered her further.

"Now what fun would it be if I told you?" His smirk was infuriating. Ume pushed his shoulder, but he did not move an inch.

"You tell me right now or I'll, I'll,"

"You'll what?" He asked, genuinely curious.

Ume let out a muffled scream of frustration. She cast her eyes wildly around the room, hoping to find a bit of cloth sticking out somewhere. While her attention was elsewhere, Kakuzu drank in the sight of her body. Her breasts were larger and perkier than he had imagined, and she had just the amount of curves he liked. He grabbed her wrists and unwrapped her arms, forcing them to her sides. She tried to escape his grasp, but he was stronger than she was. Her cheeks reddened as she looked away from him, biting her lip. To her surprise, he wrapped his arms around her waist and backed up so that the back of his legs hit the edge of the bed. He fell back, pulling Ume on top of him. With one hand he pressed her head down until their lips met, and with the other he pushed them up the bed. He flipped over and laid her head against the pillows, lips leaving hers and travelling down her neck, past her collarbone.

* * *

**AN: If Twilight can do it, so can I. I don't think that this needs a mature warning because it's not really explicit, but if you disagree please tell me and we can work it out between us.**


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